Learning to Say No
Can you learn to say no? I’ve always been an overachiever – the kind of person who took meticulous notes at school. The one who always studied extra to make sure I knew everything that might be on the test. The person who never took No for an answer.
And while that may sound like I’m bragging, my intention is to shed light on the dark side of being an overachiever. For me, that meant that, aside from never taking No for an answer, I never gave No as an answer.
I stayed in relationships way too long because I didn’t have it in me to end them. I retained members of my team who were disrespectful and brought me more pain than help, because I didn’t want to admit that things weren’t working out.
Over the years, I’ve spent periods of time working harder than I should have and watching my physical and mental health deteriorate as a result.
So, a few weeks ago, when I saw Simone Biles decide to take care of herself and withdraw from the Olympics (and then re-enter when she was ready), I was in shock.
It wasn’t because I was criticizing her, but because, when I put myself in her shoes, I couldn’t stop thinking about how difficult it must’ve been to make that decision. To find the courage to say No.
And I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it since.
Watching her journey made me reflect on the moments in my life when I should have said No sooner.
Most women in their thirties and forties (and many in their twenties, too) were raised by women who never said No, whether they worked inside the home or both inside and outside the home.
We were raised by the superwomen who gave everything of themselves to keep their communities running. We grew up watching them neglect to set boundaries for their own self-preservation. And if they could get through life never saying No, why couldn’t we?
That’s why I’m so grateful for the example that Simone Biles is setting – not only through her leadership as a gymnast and a survivor of sexual abuse – but now as an active advocate of mental health.
The world watched as Biles set a pivotal precedent: no matter how high the stakes are, it’s OK to say No. It’s OK to step back. That doesn’t make you weak.
After the first few years of my business, all those weeks spent overworking myself caused so many health issues, from adrenals shot to the chronic sinus issues I still struggle with today.
I had to learn a really hard lesson – that you have to have an on-off switch, and you have to learn how to flip it.
The past three years of my business have been some of my happiest years, and I can honestly say it’s because I’m very clear about when I’m “on” and when I’m “off.”
I’ve been using the off switch more and more, documenting it in my planner ahead of time, deciding what time I’m going to stop working and sticking to it, and scheduling when I’m working on the weekends.
I’ve also started making the decision to take full weekends off, both physically and mentally (the hardest part is often managing your mindset).
So whether you consider yourself an overachiever, an underachiever, or just an achiever, I invite you to join me in pausing to honor this moment in time – an incredibly strong woman has shown all of us the importance of saying No.
It’s time we all examine our own on-off switches and our own Yeses and Nos, and make sure that our actions truly align with who we are.
It’s time to model different choices. And it’s time to finally be OK with saying No.
